I’m angry

I am very angry and have been for a very long time.

I’m angry that in my dogs final days I spent more than 75% of the time sitting in the car waiting for her instead of being able to hold and comfort her due to COVId-19. I’m grateful I was able to hold her as she crossed the rainbow bridge.

I’m angry that my dad contracted COVID-19 while recovering from hip surgery.

I’m angry that people continue to ask me about his preexisting conditions to justify his death in their mind.

I’m angry because my dad went to the hospital to recover from a broken hip and died from a deadly virus.

I’m angry that he suffered horribly and needlessly.

I’m angry that I couldn’t be with him as he left this earth.

I’m so very angry that he died alone in a cold hospital room.

I’m angry that my uncle experienced the same fate a mere 22 days later.

I’m angry that my cousins had to feel the same pain.

I’m angry that my mom had two devastating losses.

I’m angry that I also had two devastating losses.

I’m angry that my immune system attacks my body and forces me to live a life in tremendous pain.

I’m angry that my medication fails from time to time and I need steroids to get me through.

I’m angry that when I have to get up in the middle of the night to let the dog out that it feels like I am walking with broken hips, a broken back, and broken ankles.

I’m angry that COVID isn’t going away.

I’m angry that a public health emergency has become political.

I’m angry that millions of people died and those living try to justify that those people lost are less than 2% of the population.

I’m angry that those less than 2% of human beings weren’t considered important enough to live.

I’m angry that as a person living with a compromised immune system that I have to feel like a victim, weak, and not worth protecting.

I’m angry that my mom is now alone, high risk, and so very vulnerable due to COPD.

I’m angry that people feel the need to tell me masks don’t work especially when I know they rarely socially distanced, invited people into their homes regularly, and spread it to their family members….yet still blame it on masks not working.

I’m angry that we are heading back into another COVID spike, but not surprised as I watch people post all of their vacations, travels, and maskless smiles on social media.

I’m angry about ignorance.

I’m angry our experts weren’t more cautious with recommendations.

I’m angry all the time.

This is not my normal kind of post. I often try to be humorous or ironic. I’m tired of hiding my true feelings. I am not in anyway an epidemiologist or an expert on infectious diseases. Like I do in my journey with chronic illness, I rely on science and my doctors to guide me towards better health. I don’t trust them blindly. I refused to take off my mask even though I am vaccinated. It took me 7 years to get on a medication that helped me live well. I’ve lived with knowledge that biologic drugs don’t work the same for everyone even when their diseases are the same. I made a logical or illogical guess that the vaccine would be similar especially because viruses mutate. I’m used to living with inconvenience. I’m used to changing my lifestyle to maintain a quality of life with a craptastic disease. Basically, I’m not living the life I wanted, I’m living the life I got…add in a global pandemic…..and it sucks.

You may be wondering how I am dealing with my anger. I’ve kept it pretty low key. I don’t fly into rages. I have snapped at people from time to time, but not as often as I want. It’s not easy managing anger along with depression, and a chronic illness. I started medication and continue to do talk therapy. I’m fighting for happiness. I’m fighting for a sense of normal. It’s not easy, but I am not going to let my anger destroy my life. I’m not going to let my anger at my current situation destroy anyone else’s life. I choose to follow science over ignorance. I’m not living in fear. I’m living with caution and common sense….with a healthy dash of anger.