Morning: It took me almost 2 hours to get out of bed this morning BECAUSE I was so stiff. I threw my hair up BECAUSE trying to do it would have been too painful on my wrists, elbows, and shoulders. My clothes were laid out, but as usual, I struggled to get the bra hooked with my swollen fingers. I still put rings on BECAUSE I’m stubborn (but made sure they were the adjustable kind). I drove to work one handed BECAUSE I couldn’t grip the steering wheel.
Day: I had a good day at work. I love my job. Enjoy my students and coworkers. I move slowly and take the elevator instead of the stairs. I feel like people judge me as being lazy BECAUSE I look like there is nothing wrong with me. By lunch, I was struggling to type, write, and when I tried to staple….I burst into tears BECAUSE the pain overwhelmed me (I freaked my coworker out with that one). I make it through the day BECAUSE I love my career. If I hated my job, I’d probably be struggling a lot more to make it through each day.
Evening/Night: After work, I needed to get groceries, but my swollen hands and sore legs made me rethink my plans. I drove home 20 miles with alternating hands BECAUSE both hands hurt equally now. I stopped at a convenience store to grab dinner BECAUSE the thought carrying a dish, washing a dish or cutting food made me cringe in pain. I ate mashed potatoes. I took the dog for a very short walk BECAUSE my whole body hurt and the fatigue was overwhelming. I feel guilty BECAUSE the dog deserves better. I feel sad, BECAUSE, so do I. Then I took one bag of trash out, but have no energy to get another bag together. I have more chores but after showering, I’m pretty much out of spoons. My hair is air drying BECAUSE I can’t hold the blow dryer. I’m sitting on the couch watching TV, snuggling with my cat & dog BECAUSE they make me happy on a damp and cold night.
Tomorrow: I’ll get up and do it all over again BECAUSE this is my life with RA. Why keep fighting? BECAUSE I have no choice…this is my life…
You keep fighting Because you are brave and really what choices do we have? Not many.
I love your blog as always, but this one really struck home. Because,, I feel most of the same things.
Thanks Rick! It's so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. I hope you are well. xx