BECAUSE….

 

Morning:  It took me almost 2 hours to get out of bed this morning BECAUSE I was so stiff.  I threw my hair up BECAUSE trying to do it would have been too painful on my wrists, elbows, and shoulders.  My clothes were laid out, but as usual, I struggled to get the bra hooked with my swollen fingers.  I still put rings on BECAUSE I’m stubborn (but made sure they were the adjustable kind).  I drove to work one handed BECAUSE I couldn’t grip the steering wheel.

Day: I had a good day at work.  I love my job.  Enjoy my students and coworkers.  I move slowly and take the elevator instead of the stairs.  I feel like people judge me as being lazy BECAUSE I look like there is nothing wrong with me.  By lunch, I was struggling to type, write, and when I tried to staple….I burst into tears BECAUSE the pain overwhelmed me (I freaked my coworker out with that one).  I make it through the day BECAUSE I love my career.  If I hated my job, I’d probably be struggling a lot more to make it through each day.

Evening/Night: After work, I needed to get groceries, but my swollen hands and sore legs made me rethink my plans.  I drove home 20 miles with alternating hands BECAUSE both hands hurt equally now.  I stopped at a convenience store to grab dinner BECAUSE the thought carrying a dish, washing a dish or cutting food made me cringe in pain.  I ate mashed potatoes.  I took the dog for a very short walk BECAUSE my whole body hurt and the fatigue was overwhelming. I feel guilty BECAUSE the dog deserves better.  I feel sad, BECAUSE, so do I.   Then I took one bag of trash out, but have no energy to get another bag together.  I have more chores but after showering, I’m pretty much out of spoons.  My hair is air drying BECAUSE I can’t hold the blow dryer.  I’m sitting on the couch watching TV, snuggling with my cat & dog BECAUSE they make me happy on a damp and cold night.

Tomorrow:  I’ll get up and do it all over again BECAUSE this is my life with RA.  Why keep fighting?  BECAUSE I have no choice…this is my life…