Almost…

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad pain day.  Why?  Because my pain level is almost unbearable.  My fatigue level is almost overpowering.  It’s almost amusing how hard I work just to be able to keep working.  Over the years, I’ve spent so much time and money trying new therapies to reduce some my symptoms while increasing my energy so I can continue to work.  I’ve tried diets, medications, holistic herbs, acupuncture, etc., etc., etc.  I’ve kissed many snake oil salesmen, and I always end up home at night after work, in my messy house, in pain and completely exhausted.  I know that there is no cure for my disease, but each supposed “cure” I try that fails, makes me feel like a failure.  I know realistically that I am not a failure.  Treatments fail me not the other way around, but it’s so defeating when it happens again and again.  Most people I work with probably have no idea how bad today was for me.  I tell my close friends and hide it from the rest.  I laugh off the fact that I limp and I inwardly cringe when I see my swollen and painful hands.  I always fear being thought of as a hypochondriac or a complainer.

I try to be positive on this blog.  I usually  look on the bright side, but today, I’m going to feel sorry for myself.  I’m going to snuggle with my dog and kittens and watch guilty-pleasure TV while eating Chipotle.  I am going to grieve the pain-free life I want but can’t seem to have.  I feel guilty about wallowing, but today, I deserve to wallow a little bit.  Tonight, I’ll take my biologic drug before bed and tomorrow, after a high dose of prednisone and Orencia,  I hope to have a better day.