And the winner is…..(***update)

not me….

When you have autoimmune arthritis, there are days you feel good and days you feel

pretty bad day.  Today was a bad day.  My joints are flaring so much that I seem to have lost my knuckles and gained an extra ankle…

I woke up and felt stiff and sore and had a fever.  I contemplated calling off from work but thought I could shake it off.  I pushed myself to get through work.  My friend wrapped my hand and wrist because I couldn’t type without it.  I refused to look at my ankle until I got home hours later.  I knew when I actually saw it, the pain would overwhelm me.  I guess I’m lucky I can disconnect my brain from my pain at times….but it always catches up with me.   I’ve been trying to rest tonight while deep breathing through painful cramps in my hands and feet.

I seem to be having more and more terrible rotten days.  It’s scary.  I wonder if it is the stress of working so much?  Could I be eating something that is triggering a flare?  Is my biologic drug failing??  And yes, a part of me wonders if I’ve failed myself in some way.  It’s hard not to blame myself for not sleeping longer, eating better, exercising more frequently.  I stopped going to acupuncture because I couldn’t fit it in at night.  I order out more than cook because it’s easier on my hands.  It’s time to make an appointment with my rheumatologist and have a serious talk about my treatment plan. It’s time to re-evaluate my daily decisions regarding my health.  My biologic has been a mini miracle for over 2 years but I fear it is losing its effectiveness.  I hope there is another miracle out there for me.  Time to start the search…because I’m tired of losing the daily battles.

****Update: After a talk with my rheumatologist.  I decided to move on from my 5th biologic.  I cried and I feel very down.  Why?  I know the drug failed me and I fear I’m nearing the end of the medications that can help me have a decent quality of life.  Time will tell… biologic drug #6 coming soon.