I’m angry

I am very angry and have been for a very long time.

I’m angry that in my dogs final days I spent more than 75% of the time sitting in the car waiting for her instead of being able to hold and comfort her due to COVId-19. I’m grateful I was able to hold her as she crossed the rainbow bridge.

I’m angry that my dad contracted COVID-19 while recovering from hip surgery.

I’m angry that people continue to ask me about his preexisting conditions to justify his death in their mind.

I’m angry because my dad went to the hospital to recover from a broken hip and died from a deadly virus.

I’m angry that he suffered horribly and needlessly.

I’m angry that I couldn’t be with him as he left this earth.

I’m so very angry that he died alone in a cold hospital room.

I’m angry that my uncle experienced the same fate a mere 22 days later.

I’m angry that my cousins had to feel the same pain.

I’m angry that my mom had two devastating losses.

I’m angry that I also had two devastating losses.

I’m angry that my immune system attacks my body and forces me to live a life in tremendous pain.

I’m angry that my medication fails from time to time and I need steroids to get me through.

I’m angry that when I have to get up in the middle of the night to let the dog out that it feels like I am walking with broken hips, a broken back, and broken ankles.

I’m angry that COVID isn’t going away.

I’m angry that a public health emergency has become political.

I’m angry that millions of people died and those living try to justify that those people lost are less than 2% of the population.

I’m angry that those less than 2% of human beings weren’t considered important enough to live.

I’m angry that as a person living with a compromised immune system that I have to feel like a victim, weak, and not worth protecting.

I’m angry that my mom is now alone, high risk, and so very vulnerable due to COPD.

I’m angry that people feel the need to tell me masks don’t work especially when I know they rarely socially distanced, invited people into their homes regularly, and spread it to their family members….yet still blame it on masks not working.

I’m angry that we are heading back into another COVID spike, but not surprised as I watch people post all of their vacations, travels, and maskless smiles on social media.

I’m angry about ignorance.

I’m angry our experts weren’t more cautious with recommendations.

I’m angry all the time.

This is not my normal kind of post. I often try to be humorous or ironic. I’m tired of hiding my true feelings. I am not in anyway an epidemiologist or an expert on infectious diseases. Like I do in my journey with chronic illness, I rely on science and my doctors to guide me towards better health. I don’t trust them blindly. I refused to take off my mask even though I am vaccinated. It took me 7 years to get on a medication that helped me live well. I’ve lived with knowledge that biologic drugs don’t work the same for everyone even when their diseases are the same. I made a logical or illogical guess that the vaccine would be similar especially because viruses mutate. I’m used to living with inconvenience. I’m used to changing my lifestyle to maintain a quality of life with a craptastic disease. Basically, I’m not living the life I wanted, I’m living the life I got…add in a global pandemic…..and it sucks.

You may be wondering how I am dealing with my anger. I’ve kept it pretty low key. I don’t fly into rages. I have snapped at people from time to time, but not as often as I want. It’s not easy managing anger along with depression, and a chronic illness. I started medication and continue to do talk therapy. I’m fighting for happiness. I’m fighting for a sense of normal. It’s not easy, but I am not going to let my anger destroy my life. I’m not going to let my anger at my current situation destroy anyone else’s life. I choose to follow science over ignorance. I’m not living in fear. I’m living with caution and common sense….with a healthy dash of anger.

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Kelly holds masters degrees in both Special Education and Speech-Language Pathology. She works full-time as a speech-language pathologist in both a public school setting and as an adjunct faculty member at a university, in Philadelphia, PA. She specializes in both autism and augmentative/alternative communication and took her skills to Uganda, Africa to start a special needs program for disabled children living in an orphanage in 2011. Kelly began experiencing symptoms of autoimmune arthritis in 1984 (while in her teens) but wasn’t officially diagnosed with autoimmune arthritis until 2001. Her first diagnosis was Sjogren’s syndrome. Eventually her diagnosis was changed to sero-negative RA and now Polyarticular Spondlyoarthropathy. She also manages thyroid disease (resulting from Graves Disease), fibromyalgia, renin-deficient hypertension, and disseminated superficial actinic porokeratosis (DSAP) on a daily basis. Kelly connected with other autoimmune arthritis patients via social media in 2008. She began volunteering with the “Buckle Me UP! Movement”, which evolved into the International Autoimmune Arthritis Movement (IAAM) beginning in 2009. Then became a cofounder of IFAA in 2013. She has represented the ACR on Capitol Hill as an Advocate for Arthritis, was a finalist in Wego Health’s Health Activist Hero awards in 2014, and speaks at various healthcare conferences as a patient advocate in the Philadelphia area.

5 thoughts on “I’m angry

  1. Kelly, you have so many good reasons to be angry, there is no doubt. I share much of your anger and often wish I could yell, stop it, dumb ass, as I see people heading into crowded shops and mocking me for my mask.

    I know my yelling would do no good, but I want to, and I want to do it even more since I do not and hold it in; I want to do it even more. In a way, however, you are fortunate in one regard. It is this. I am writing this from the back porch where Sheryl has banished me until I agree to behave. This is the 10th time this week. I may have to build a shelter out here. 🙂

    rick

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I get you, Kelly.
    I’m glad you have a safe outlet here to share all of this. We are all affected so individually yet many think we are all the same. Hang in there and hug those fur kids as they are the best therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Kelly, You were my son Paul’s savior way back at Merion Elementary school in 2008. Thank you for all you have done for me the kids all these years and thank you for sharing all this. I work as a high school nurse in Arizona now and the suffering from lack of understanding of what is going on is immense. Your words and perspective made me cry. I cry a lot now. You are such a blessing in this time of struggle. I would love to be back in touch. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. The world needs more Kellys.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG….I was just talking about Paul. I follow him on instagram. He is an amazing musician and I am so proud of him. I’m so glad to hear from you. Happy to be back in touch. I hope you and your family are well in AZ!

      Like

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