It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted a blog. There are 15 blogs in my drafts that I just couldn’t finish. I feel like I lost my voice for a bit. I’ve lived in pain for over 20 years. This past year; however, I feel like my disease is out of control. Medication barely works. I’ve found myself needing pain meds for the first time in many years. My joints are always swollen and on fire. My fatigue levels are crippling. Daily tasks like dressing, showering, and cleaning are often impossible or beyond my energy level. Work sucks out every ounce of energy and the rest of my life is spent sleeping and recovering from a 37 hour work week.
I’ve been very open about my struggles over the years, but, I’ve chosen not to document this current portion of my journey. I’m not 100% sure why. Maybe it’s writer’s block or depression, or fatigue, or simply not having anything of substance to say. I used to have a voice in the world of advocacy. I was passionate about patient advocacy and public policy, education about rheumatology diseases, and the patient voice. Over the course of this past year, I’ve sunk into a pretty serious depression that has dulled my desire for most things that I love. I’ve lost the spark and desire to advocate. My blog has gone from being focused on autoimmune arthritis to depression and COVID. Although I needed this medium to express my feelings of grief, loss, and pain over the past year, in the process, I lost my voice and I lost my passion.
My RA has been kicking my butt. It’s disheartening to not be able to do everything I want. A friend posted this meme tonight and I think it is good advice. It’s time to heal physically and mentally and I’m going to take it one step at a time. I hope you continue to join me as I navigate this new journey.