988

tWitch’s death has spread around the globe and rocked many. He shone a light on your screens via television and social media. His life seemed golden and perfect with a beautiful family and successful career. Through this all, I’ve seen some posts where people claimed he was “selfish” and he had “so many options”. These people don’t seem to understand depression.

There is a difference between being depressed and having depression

Let me say that again for the people in the back

There is a difference between being depressed and having depression.

Over the years, I was depressed over finances, career, and relationships. It was a sucky feeling. It wasn’t until my late 40’s that I truly experienced serious depression. When that happened, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I let things go like my house, my relationships, and my body. Avoidance was my safety net. I would lie in bed crying for hours. I would ignore phone calls and text messages. I would overeat to make myself feel better. I would shop, read romance novels, and generally avoid my real life. What I wouldn’t do, is tell anyone I needed help. My depression was my little secret that I was able to compartmentalize and hide from the world.

I knew I reached a low point when I didn’t shower for days and had no desire to leave my home. My therapist, at the time, encouraged me to tell people about my depression to form a community. So I did. I went out to dinner with friends and said, “I am being treated for depression.” Everyone around the table talked about seeing therapists and one had also tried medication. I left feeling like my friends understood. I had hoped they would have understood that I had pulled away over the years because I was drowning in utter despair. Reaching out to people was overwhelming for me. Maybe too many bridges were burned because not one of them ever reach out to see how I was doing after that. An conversation that practically ripped out my heart to share, went mostly unnoticed.

What did I do? With encouragement from my therapist, I reached out to other people and formed a new community that knows I live with depression and they check on me regularly. I also started on Celexa and do therapy a few times a month. It’s not easy. I still have days where the combination of grief and depression make me stay in bed all weekend, but I am actively trying. I still have the original group of friends, but I have worked to expand to others who are actually have time for me. I also changed some of my behavior.

I used to stay up all night hyperfocusing on negative thoughts. Now I play an audio book that distract me and allow me to sleep easier.

Instead of sleeping all day, I had been going for a walk. Unfortunately, my recent bouts with pneumonia, Covid, Covid rebound, and bronchitis and bronchia asthma have made walking long distances challenge. I’m hoping to work back up to it.

I used to keep my feelings locked up tight, as if depression was a dirty secret. Now I’m writing a book in which I’ll depict a character living with depression. My hope is that by telling this story, it will help someone else not feel such despair.

Writing is my way to escape depression. Instead of continuing to drown in my desperate numbing sadness, I created characters and told stories of hope and love. I blogged about my life and hoped to connect with others who may be experiencing similar things.

We need to stop telling people with depression to reach out if we aren’t prepared to step up, Everyone has good intentions, but people’s perception bias and busy lifestyles often gets in the way. Instead share resources that can actually help. In the United States we now have 988. A 3 digit phone number designed to help people in crisis. From their website:

“988 has been designated as the new three-digit dialing code that will route callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (now known as the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), and is now active across the United States.

When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.

The previous Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.“

Credit: 988lifeline.org

We may never know why tWitch decided to leave this world, nor is it our business. For me, I feel his loss from this Earth and my heart aches for his family. His dancing inspired me and made me smile. His performances brought me joy and I had so wished I could dance like him for just a moment. Thank you tWitch for bringing me joy.

Tonight, I’d love to curl up on my couch and stay inside, but I know I need to get out. Even momentarily. I’m going to see Christmas lights. I’m going to walk among people who area also celebrating the Christmas season. Do I want to do this? No. It’s cold and I am feeling a bit groggy from my infusion. Why am I going? Because it will be good for my mental health to get out of my house.

Wishing everyone who feels despair some hope. Reach out to 988 Lifeline. Take it one step at a time. RIP Stephen tWitch Boss. Your smile and talent touched the world.