Yesterday, I tried to be normal. Yesterday, I tried to ignore my diseases. Yesterday, I had fun. Yesterday, I overdid things. Today, I’m paying for it.
Yesterday was a busy day. I worked both jobs until 6:30, then joined a group of friends for a “Ladies night” at a wine and paint place. I knew I would be exhausted, but I love to paint and be crafty. Our projects were wooden signs. The first step was to sand down the wooden board. Then I had to stain it. Then white wash it. Final steps were two stencils. It turned out good, but I did not. Actually, I was in so much pain by the end that I didn’t like the sign until the following morning. The pain was all I could process after 3 hours of working on the it.
I’ve written in the past that I’d rather live my life doing fun things that I enjoy that cause me to pay for it later. The last time I did this was in the summer, so recoup time didn’t impact my job. This time, I had to get up at 5:30 am to get ready for work. I could barely get out of bed. Brushing my hair was almost impossible, but I eventually got it up in a ponytail. My hands and feet were so swollen I had such a hard time dressing. I put on a pair of shoes and had to promptly take them off. My feet were so swollen that I couldn’t bare to wear them. I had to switch out to summer shoes that had more stretch and didn’t cover my entire foot. I struggled to drive because of my swollen hands. My hope was as the day went on and medication kicked in, the swelling and pain would subside. Guess what? It didn’t. I got worse as the day went on. I couldn’t type, struggled to walk and felt like crap all day.
When I got home, I went through the typical emotions. Guilt for doing too much the day before. Anger because I am not an abled person any more. Sad because pushing myself so that I could do something that was so much fun caused me pain. My body is just not cooperating and my stubbornness keeps pushing it. I’ve thought for years that I have accepted my disease but maybe I’ve been in denial. Or maybe I’m just in denial of my limitations. It’s something to ponder…..
At least I can walk away from this experience and flare knowing that my biologic drugs are helping. You see 17 years ago, I lived in this kind of pain daily. I still have pain and flares, but they are so much more controlled than I realize at times. Do I dare say that the past day has been a good reminder of how far I have come? Probably not because I’m not Mary Sunshine. I will; however, look at my beautiful Philadelphia Skyline Sign and remember the fun I had with friends while making it. I plan to do it again, but next time, it won’t be after working a 10 hour day.