As My Joints Turn

Yesterday, I tried to be normal.  Yesterday, I tried to ignore my diseases.  Yesterday, I had fun.  Yesterday, I overdid things.  Today, I’m paying for it.

Yesterday was a busy day.  I worked both jobs until 6:30, then joined a group of friends for a “Ladies night” at a  wine and paint place.  I knew I would be exhausted, but I love to paint and be crafty.  Our projects were wooden signs.  The first step was to sand down the wooden board.  Then I had to stain it.  Then white wash it.  Final steps were two stencils. It turned out good, but I did not.  Actually, I was in so much pain by the end that I didn’t like the sign until the following morning.  The pain was all I could process after 3 hours of working on the it.

I’ve written in the past that I’d rather live my life doing fun things that I enjoy that cause me to pay for it later.  The last time I did this was in the summer, so recoup time didn’t impact my job.   This time, I had to get up at 5:30 am to get ready for work.  I could barely get out of bed.  Brushing my hair was almost impossible, but I eventually got it up in a ponytail.  My hands and feet were so swollen I had such a hard time dressing.  I put on a pair of shoes and had to promptly take them off.  My feet were so swollen that I couldn’t bare to wear them.  I had to switch out to summer shoes that had more stretch and didn’t cover my entire foot.  I struggled to drive because of my swollen hands.  My hope was as the day went on and medication kicked in, the swelling and pain would subside.  Guess what?  It didn’t.  I got worse as the day went on.  I couldn’t type, struggled to walk and felt like crap all day.

When I got home, I went through the typical emotions.  Guilt for doing too much the day before.  Anger because I am not an abled person any more.  Sad because pushing myself so that I could do something that was so much fun caused me pain.  My body is just not cooperating and my stubbornness keeps pushing it.  I’ve thought for years that I have accepted my disease but maybe I’ve been in denial.  Or maybe I’m just in denial of my limitations.  It’s something to ponder…..

At least I can walk away from this experience and flare knowing that my biologic drugs are helping.  You see 17 years ago, I lived in this kind of pain daily.  I still have pain and flares, but they are so much more controlled than I realize at times.  Do I dare say that the past day has been a good reminder of how far I have come?  Probably not because I’m not Mary Sunshine.  I will; however, look at my beautiful Philadelphia Skyline Sign and remember the fun I had with friends while making it.  I plan to do it again, but next time, it won’t be after working a 10 hour day.